Last Entry

So, everyone knows, this is my last entry. It's nearing the deadline for my thesis. I've already turned in the rough draft. I still plan to continue with Tang Soo Do. I enjoy it very very much!! My orange belt test is coming up in a month and my confidence levels are back to normal. Yellowbelt was rough. Orangebelt is going much smoother! Learning Ee Dan Aph Cha Kee and Ee Dan Yup Cha Kee (jump front and jump side kick). I will include my summary of this journal. I really wish I had time to write something better and more substantial, but I don't. Only a week left! Here it is:


!!Tang Soo!!


The purpose of this journal was to see if, or how, the frailty myth affected my progress as a martial artist of Tang Soo Do. I have concluded upon four months of training and two belt rankings that the frailty myth has not hindered my progress in Tang Soo Do, as I hold a gender philosophy that does not hinder my development in an atmosphere that encourages physical and mental development.
I believe I can do anything and I think that, in large part, has allowed me to progress as I have in Tang Soo Do. I have never been one to think I was physically or mentally limited by being female. Although the frailty myth (or society) does hold some constraints on my movements and physicality, as a whole, if I know that these constraints are false and that, with work, can broken. The power of knowing this and dedication and desire to overcome these constraints has allowed me to be successful in my endeavor with the marital arts.
My past physical training has also proven very useful and I contribute a large part of my success to this as well. As a child I was involved in gymnastics, ballet, modern dancing, horse back riding, basketball, and poms. As an adolescent: volleyball and softball, and as an adult: knife and hatchet throwing, Yoga, Tai Chi, running and circuit/weight training. Throughout my experience in Tang Soo Do I have seen have the experience within these activities has greatly influenced my progress. Tai chi has helped me in learning and performing my forms (hyungs). Volleyball has helped me with my low stances and ki yups (or spirit yells). Ballet, modern dancing, and gymnastics have helped me with balance. My point is, I have had previous physical training; therefore, it makes learning new movements, although different, easier to learn. The better I understand my body, the more I can learn, and the less the frailty myth affects me. If I had not had previous training, learning to do martial arts movements would prove to be very difficult.
However, I do feel the frailty myth is with me on an everyday basis. In other words, when I am in an atmosphere where movement is encouraged and is the appropriate thing to do, I have no problem learning and performing (even if it’s difficult, I will get it eventually), yet, when I’m outside of class, within society, I feel that my movements are constricted. For instance, when I’m playing with my band, people often complain that I don’t move around enough. The boys tend to thrash around and get into their music, while I, on the other hand, stand there or move around very little. I want to move around, but something within me is keeping me from doing so. Part of the reason is I worry about messing up. I’m a perfectionist and don’t want to be known as such. Secondly, I feel that if I move around too much it’ll come off as sexual and I don’t want to be seen in that light. I also worry that I’ll look stupid. At one point I also thought it looked goofy to run in public, i.e., running from the house to the car to get something quickly, or running when I was late to class. Girls just didn’t run in public and I guess I subconsciously picked up on that. However, I realized that part of the problem is that I was wearing shoes I couldn’t run in, which may be a common hindrance in female movement.
Although these issues existed in my life, I believe that participating in Tang Soo Do has made me more confident in my body and these hang-ups aren’t so much hang-ups anymore. Tang Soo Do has allowed me to be more physical in front of others without fear that they’ll think I’ve changed too suddenly, or that I’m acting out of character, as they understand that as a martial artist I am bound to move around more than usual, and that my identity is changing from inactive to active.
While I believe I’m not completely free of the frailty myth, I believe I posses the tool to dispelling it within me for good. This key is my gender philosophy and my dedication to reaching my physical potential. With the knowledge of the frailty myth at the for front of my mind, and the problems it creates, I am able to see through it and adopt a gender philosophy which encourages physical development, rather than one that suppresses it.

Day 30

Today was my orangebelt test and I am now officially an orange belt! However, this test wasn't as exciting. I think I had my own standards in my head and I don't think I measured up to them. I was happy with my performance on termenology and the pushups and sits, but I was disappointed with my kicking demonstration. And really this all amounts to me not focusing on this in my practice. For some reason I didn't think Master Miller would make me do back kick for the demonstration, but he did and in combination with roundhouse kick, right after all the pushups and situps. Anway, I did pretty good on pushups and situps. The other kid (he was 12, but in the adult class) did 32 pushups, I did 31 and I did 52 jack knifes, and he did 41. I'll have to admit I don't go as low on my pushups, but I at least bent my elbows 31 times (I started off ok, but really couldn't get low towards the end). Then right after kicks, I had to do all my forms: Kee Cho Hyung Il Bo, Kee Cho Hyung Ee Bo, and Kee Cho Hyung Sam Bo. So, I was quite winded after all that. Next we did one steps, hand escapes, and self-defense. Last, but not least, we broke the boards. Got my side kick on first try. Roundhouse on second try, and the dreaded back kick on the third. And this time I got to take the boards home!! Broke them all in the same spot.

On the way home I made a frailty myth connection. Before I started working out, back when I smoked and sat on my ass, I was probably the physical equivalent of an athletic 10 year old boy. But now that I've been working out for two years, I think I'm at the level of an athletic 12 year old boy. I say this because me and the other kid from my class seemed to be at the same fitness level (he had better pushup form, but I did more jack knifes, so it balances out). This makes some sense, I stopped being physically active when I was 13, and I wasn't terribly active at the time either. I was probably the physical equivalent of an 11 or 12 year old boy at that point. It's currently been 10 years since then, and I've been working out for 2. So, take into consideration degeneration of muscle and skill, that puts me closer to a 10 year old, then add two years for the time I've been working out, and the equivalent is of a 12 year old boy. If I'd continued to be as physically active or more physically active, then I might be the equivalent of a 23 year old man. Hum, something to think about! I think my experience is making me even more of a believe in the stupid frailty myth!

Well, I think I'll leave it here. I'll probably only be doing this blog for another month, or less. Just so you know!

Good night!

Day 29

Well, my phone line was cut by the landscapers (the stupid phone company cut down our trees, so we had to landscape the yard) so I wasn't able to write after this class.

Not too much happend. This was my last class before my test. Susan worked us pretty hard as far as conditioning goes, but primarily worked on things we needed for our test. My back kick was getting a little better. Master Miller told me to keep my back leg bent, which helped alot. Apparently I was standing up after I turned around, which was causing me to loose my balance a bit. I really can't remember much after that. Oh, I found out I wouldn't be doing sparring for my test as sparring classes are on Wednesday and I work on Wednesdays, so I haven't had much training in that area.

That's pretty much it. My gym schedule has been kinda screwy since I've added an extra two credits to my schedule. I also had a meeting this week on Wednesday with one of my professors, which caused me to have to skip a day. I've been running everyday though.

Day 28

Only one week until my orange belt test. My back kick is looking a lot better. My power is improving and my balance for the most part. All forms required for the test look good. Kee Cho Hyung Sam Bo could probably use a little more work, but it should be sufficient. I've pretty much got all of my one steps, self defense moves, and hand grabs down. The only thing I'm a bit concerned about is sparring and only because we haven't done much of it. Sparring class is on Wednesdays and I work Wednesdays, so I don't get much practice in. I'm assuming he'll just make me kick and move my opponent around, as this is what we've practiced, but I'm really not sure. We've never discussed this. Tonight we did work on some sparring drills. It was the first night I got to use my new sparring equipment. I ruined my mouth piece this morning, so I'll have to buy a few more. We just practiced kicking our opponent and getting two punches in after we kicked. We also did alot of physical conditioning this evening. Fun stuff!

Well, I've added a two credit independent study to my school schedule to complete my minor. So, I'm back to having very little time. What I'll have to do is cut back my exercise routine a bit. Instead of going to the gym three to four times a week, I'll try to go at least twice a week. And I may have to cut Yoga, not that I've really gotten the chance to do that anway. But this is less of a pain than the other class I was taking. I'll still run in the evenings and Tang Soo Do will help to maintain my fitness level until I graduate.

And finally, I realized something last weekend that I think is pretty relevant to this blog. I realized that fighting is on Jason's mind alot more than it is on my mind, which got me to thinking about how fighting is tied up with masculinity and, thus, with masculine identity, which in turn is embodied and leads to a body that's more attuned to fighting. In other words, because Jason thinks about fighting, he is more likely to actively partake in fighting (or in training), or playfully pretend to fight (i.e., with me or by shadowboxing). He would also be more mentally prepared when actually fighting, as he's probably thought through many possible ways of defending himself. Just wanted to jot that down. I could do a whole lot more explaining, but I won't at the moment. I'll save it for a more subtantial piece of my thesis.

And that's it for this evening!

Day 27

Hum, well I think I'm both physically and mentally back on track this week. I'd really been in a funk lately. I generally kinda feel off at this time of year for some reason, but I think a large part of it was not getting into grad school. I was pretty bummed! The result was a drop in my self confidence. I no longer felt like I was worthy of being a graduate student of philosophy (although I would have re-applied again anways. I know I go through these phases and can see through to the other side). This feeling carried over to T.S.D class. But Sunday evening I had an epiphany and re-prioritized. I realized that I really wanted to be doing a different type of philosophy and that the schools that I had applied to weren't geared towards that type of philosophy. So, this made me realize that it was probably a good thing I wasn't accepted, so that I'd go to the right school with the right focus. Anyway, my life kinda came together that night and refocused me. I feel so much better and as a result I was right on it in class tonight. My back kick came along really well. And I'd like to thank Shawna for her tip for the back kick because it really helped me in class today!! Crazy how that works. Kee Cho Hyung Sam Bo looks so much better. Master Miller agreeded and now I'm learning Pyung Ahn Cho Dan. Yeah! I just generally felt more confident today. Rock On!

Anway, we did alot of stretching, quad work, and we did some punches. So, more physical conditioning than anything else.

Last week I kinda gave myself a break on the workout routine. I only ran for two days out of the five and I only worked out one day out of the three/four. I was spring break after all! But it feels good to be back on track! I do think a break every now and again is a good thing. It makes you appreciate what the workout does for you and breaks from the monotonous routine that workouts can get into. But I'm always eager to get back to my routine after a few days off. Otherwise I get sluggish and that's no fun!

Hum, can't think of much else to say at the moment. I did have a connection to make about to the frailty myth, but I'll have to add that next time. I'm running out of time. Good night.

Day 26

A pretty crudy day. I had a headache, and I just found out that week that I didn't get into any of the grad schools I applied for. So, I'd been pretty bummed out. And of course this affected my performance in class. Couldn't break any boards, my back kick was horrible, and I was being overly critical of myself. Needless to say I came out of class feeling pretty poorly, which is part of the reason I didn't write this after class on Thursday. Can't remember too much else that happend.

Day 25

This weekend was my birthday. I'm now 23. And the cool thing is, I got my sparring gear! I just need a bag to put it all in. I've informed Master Miller and may begin sparring with it in class on Thursday.

Well, two weeks till testing. Yikes, only four classes. I'm not feeling terribly good about my progress. Just today Master Miller informed me that I'd been doing Dui Cha Kee (back kick) wrong for the past month. So, I'm pretty much back to square one on that one, and only four classes away from the test. Not very happy with myself! Also, my form isn't coming along well either. I really need more practice. Thankfully this week is spring break. So, I should be able to get some more practice in.

In class today, we worked alot with kicks , one steps, hand grabs, and self defense techniques. I feel pretty comfortable with those. In fact, I was doing particullarly good with them today. I sucked at everything else, but those looked good. Strange considering those are the least pratice. Maybe that's the problem though. I'm too concerned about Kee Cho Hyung Sam Bo and my back kick to relax and just do it. Ah, the wonders of the mind.

Thanks A.G. for posting your comment to my last post! So, you beleive that the reason women are better at kicking is due to their lower center of gravity due to wider hips. Hum, I agree with that, but I wonder if there's also an environmental effect to be taken into consideration. In other words, perhaps, in combinatin with the biological reason, women also use their lower body more, thus encouraging this development in the lower body. I know this may seem obvious in that we tend to use whatever is the easiest, but I write this because often the biological is taken as the sole answer, when enviromental factors play into consideration as well. For example, girls may be encouraged to use their lowerbodies more often than boys, e.g., jump rope and hop scotch, two "feminine" physcial activities, both require focus on the lower body, which may encourage growth. Boys, for example, are encouraged to utilize their upper body, with sports like baseball, football, boxing (well, it's considered a masculine sport, maybe not a boys sport), dodgeball, etc. I'm sure there are many couterexamples that could be used against this, but I'm just posing the possibility at the moment. So, I believe it's possible that this growth may be enviromental as well, which means men and women do not have to be locked in these gendered body sturctures, but can develop what is necessary through training. For men this seems obvious, but for so many women, developing upperbody strength just doesn't seem plausible. There are many examples of men with large leg muscles, but significantly less examples of women with large biceps, although there are examples. It seems to me that women are often boxed into thinking they can't change their bodies, that their bodies are utlimately weak and frail. But their bodies can change, as I am experiencing now. My upperbody and lowerbody strength has increased significantly over the past four months.

Day 24

Well, there were only three people in class today, including me. So, Master Miller made us work alot on our kicks. We focused on keeping our knee up and snapping the kick. It was a very informative class! I did notice one point of interest while he was instructing us. He told us that we should practice our kicks in our daily lives (for example in the kitchen closing drawers) to help us be as comfortable with our feet as we are with our hands. I found this interesting because the majority of women I have spoken to are more hesitant to use their fists than they are to use their legs. So, I saw directly today how physical experiences are different for males and females (not that this wasn't evident before, but this is a specific experiences that I acknowledged). For instance, I'm a whole lot more comfortable using my feet than my hands and I have several reasons for feeling this way. For starters, if I can pick something up with my feet, I do. So, I depend on my feet/legs more than most. Since I believed I didn't have as much upperbody strength, I compensated by using my legs when wrestling with friends. I also noticed, early on, that in altercations in fictional shows on t.v. the women being attacked (and some of the men for that matter) could have escaped if they'd only used their legs, so I tended to do more things with my legs upon that observation. I also wonder if perhaps men have a similar experience with the upperbody. So, if men believe that their upperbody is their strength, then they may both consciously and subconsciously utilize the upperbody more often than the legs. Of course this is not a polished thought, just a meditation on possibilities pertinant to my thesis. I also received a comment of someone who attempted to provide and explanation on this subject, which went something like, "Regarding kicking.. For obvious reasons, women are generally stronger and quite flexible from the waist down. Thus their kicking technique tends to be more polished." If the commentor could explain what he/she thought the "obvious reasons" were, I would be really interested in knowing!

Well, I'm going to leave it here. I think I did some beneficial brainstorming this evening and now I can actually do Yoga for the first time in almost a month. There have been a few times where I've said I was going to do yoga and didn't, because I remember something I forgot to do for school. But this time, I think it's really going to happen! Good night!